sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
