in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
