you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
