i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
