If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be