Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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