Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
