Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
