A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
