Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
