Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
