I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
