my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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