Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
