the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
