even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
