The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
and you fell through a lawn chair
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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