i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize