i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
