But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
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In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
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Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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