Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
