what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
