you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
