I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
