Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So squirting runs in the family.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
