It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
