There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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