Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
