And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
