made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize