is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
