On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
