matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
