I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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