I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
