I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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