you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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