Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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