Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
