would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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