Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
