hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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