I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
