Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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