I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
