plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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