My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Im part way to drunk.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
