YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
