I can text with my tongue
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.