How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
