i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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