I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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