New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You're like the curious george of whores
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
