I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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