yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
