Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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