Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
