Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
