I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
