I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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