Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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